xxxx. 

a compilation of feelings.

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grrrlfever:

wouldnt it be cool to just like not feel nervous about everything all the time

xxxix. 

i think erin and bea and zach are the only people i trust who i talk to a lot and i feel like always “get” me and don’t judge me or make me feel stupid and i can talk to them about all the things i think about and am interested in and it’s never something i feel bad about

and i’m glad i trust them so much but i’m also sad that i don’t trust other people to the same degree, or really even close.

i have so many issues i don’t even know where to start anymore

on the bright side, my mom is looking into a therapist for me

xxxviii. 

i wonder what people are really looking for when they claim to want to get to know you.

during social dances when you go swing dancing, there’s often a lot of small-talk. sometimes i’m guilty of over-sharing. sometimes people ask specific questions. favorite place to visit. favorite ice cream flavor. sometimes people leave it vague. “tell me about yourself.” “what do you like to do?”

i don’t ever know where to begin in situations like that. i’ve recently started at a new job, and people sometimes ask me that. “what do you do for fun?” “what are you about?”

i spend a lot of time evaluating myself. i don’t know what aspects of me feel important and which don’t. is anything about me important? is all of it? how do we discern the difference?

hi. my name is sam, and although my favorite sister helped name me, i hate my name. sometimes people call me stella, which is the name of my d&d character (a druid; she has a pet badger named johnny cash.) i greatly identify with stitch. yes, from the disney movie.

i devote a great deal of my time to caring about movies, music, and television series to probably unhealthy degrees because i’ve always had a pretty terrible home life and it helped me cope. things are getting better, and my dependence on those things is lessening. i don’t know if that makes me feel better or not, because i met a lot of really amazing people through those things, and i don’t like that i’m caring less about something i was passionate about, even if people thought it was stupid.

i don’t have a very real concept of family because my family is filled with manipulative bastards who disown each other and talk shit about each other constantly. i was raised with two pretty absent parents and very religious grandparents. i often got beat up by my brother, and i was in trouble so much that the thought of getting in trouble now makes me physically ill.

i have serious anxiety issues that keep me from gaining weight and serious body image issues due to years of bullying and people thinking they were being complimentary and really just making me self-conscious.

my biggest fear is being boring.

i love being a server because i love the people you meet. i like being able to do something to make someone’s day a little nicer or a little easier, even if there are people who take advantage and make my day worse. 

i recently lost a close friend and i still haven’t come to terms with the fact that i’ll never see her again. i wish i didn’t feel like everyone was sick of talking about it, because i could still talk about it for days.

i have a lot of love to give but i can never focus my attentions on one person for long. that said, i don’t think i’ll ever stop loving my ex and that’s a thought that makes my chest hurt every time it occurs. which isn’t often, but it’s more often than it should be.

i can forgive just about anyone but the people who matter never want to forgive me.

i can’t keep a secret and i make problems into stories so that i don’t worry about them as much. if it’s just a story, it isn’t as real. it’s just words. i don’t know why i do that, but i’ve hurt a lot of people in doing so.

i miss going to church but i don’t really know why. i miss going to school and i feel like a failure because i did so poorly during my time there. i miss people constantly. i miss the friends i had in my senior year of high school. i don’t think they ever really think of me.

i can’t stand having my nails not painted. i like glitter because my sister did. i had a massive collection of bratz dolls that i refuse to get rid of.

i still can’t forget the blue, rainbow-striped unicorn jacket i lost in sixth grade or the ty beanie buddy cat “boots” i lost in third grade.

i drink way too much milk, drinking vodka makes me sick and weepy, and it’s hard to find a juice that i actually like.

today, i spent three dollars on tea in teavana just because the guy working there was cute and complimented my star wars shirt.

i’ll drop anything for someone who is upset, even if i hate that person. that said, i don’t really hate anyone. but a lot of people hate me. i had someone once tell me, “i hate you because i got to know you.” he was my best friend.

how much of that is important? all of it? none of it?

i don’t know.

hi. tell me about yourself.

xxxvii. 

i’m so fucking sick of no one in my family taking my problems seriously. i’m sick of feeling like a joke. i’m sick of feeling unimportant. i’m sick of feeling like no one misses me when i’m not around and like no one cares when i am. i’m sick of feeling like the odd person out at work.

i just want it to be friday and i want to be in new york because i don’t care about being alive and the idea of seeing mia and charlene and seeing cassie and ragini is enough to make me actually feel happy but that’s just about the only thing that is.

i tried to talk to my mom about my anxiety and she ignored me and when i said i wanted to go back on anxiety medication she didn’t say anything. when i mentioned in the kitchen with my parents there that the boxes stacked from floor to ceiling on every available surface where making me anxious and claustrophobic  my dad just made fun of me.

let’s not forget the fact that one of my bosses triggered me really bad and i told him that i’d spent the whole week beforehand basically wanting to kill myself and then i sobbed hysterically in the bathroom until a customer walked in. then said boss proceeded to make fun of me to one of my co-workers the next day i worked even though he knew why i was so off.

i’ve lost like five pounds this month and as soon as i started gaining it back, i got hit with another round of anxiety and now i’m fucked again. ask me how much i care about being alive right now. (spoiler alert: the answer is not at all.)

we have no food at my house and i told people at work that like ten times and when they would sneak food for themselves no one offered me anything and i couldn’t sneak any food myself. sometimes i trick myself into thinking i have friends at work and then i realize none of them give a shit about me. there are maybe a handful of people who can tolerate me well enough but everyone else there talks outside of work and hangs out and then there’s me.

i want to drink or smoke or something but i promised myself i wouldn’t so i guess i’m not going to. i feel like clawing the skin off of my face. i don’t know how to cope with anything.

i’m so fucking mad that i got so anxious at brian’s because he’s one of the only people i trust and i don’t want to be afraid of that but apparently i’m not just completely terrified of trusting people so that’s fun and also really fucking sucks.

my dad trivializes everything that’s wrong with me and he keeps telling me he can’t take me seriously when i say i have anxiety because i haven’t experienced enough and i don’t have enough responsibility to be anxious. i forgot that my feelings were invalid because he thinks they aren’t important enough.

i’m pretty sure my laziness is the only thing stopping me from running into traffic right now and i’ve gotten to the point where that doesn’t even bother me anymore, i’m just done.

xxxvi. 

I haven’t written on this blog in a long time and I checked my last post to figure out how to number this one, and this post is on the same subject. Sort of.

Loneliness. Basically, that’s it. Feel free to skip the rest, I know you probably don’t care.

I work most of the time. I work almost every day, really. Today is Thursday. I work tonight. I do not have a day off until next Thursday. And I don’t mind. Really, I don’t. I like work. I like the customers (most of them.) I like making money. I’m good at my job. I like my bosses. My bosses like me.

Work is really the only social interaction I get, these days. Sometimes if Pat and I work at the same time, he’ll ask me if I want to hang out after work. But more often than not, by the time I’m finished with work, I just want to come home, catch up on my TV shows, and sleep.

Netflix. Playing with my cat. Eating quickly-made, portable food. Adding a dozen things to my blog queue so it doesn’t look abandoned. Sleeping.

That’s my life, in a nutshell.

I see Becky about once a week. She’s the only person I really see who I don’t work with on any sort of regular basis. She came over the other day to watch Grease before I went to work. I see her about once a week, and not for very long.

She is my best/closest friend.

I text Brian every day. I tell him everything because I generally have no one else to tell. Or at least, no one to tell who cares. I talk to him every day, but I generally assume that I’m never going to see him again in my lifetime. The perfect way to feel less lonely and even more alone at the same time.

He is one of my best friends.

Aside from that, I hang out with my brother. Or I did, until he got Halo 4. Now I come home and I go straight to his room to say hi or tell him about my day and he’s busy. So I don’t. We don’t watch Supernatural together. We don’t talk. We don’t hang out. I don’t sit on my laptop in his room so that I don’t have to sit alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if I went a few days without seeing him at all. I wouldn’t have seen him today if I hadn’t walked in to tell him something. He only turned off his headset for a few seconds. One sentence response.

I don’t have friends at work. I mean, I do. But I don’t have real friends. I have people that I talk to. I have people I gossip with. I have people I vent to. I don’t have anyone that I talk to outside of work. I don’t have anyone who tries to hang out with me outside of work. And I feel like everyone secretly hates me or is annoyed by me.

A girl I work with, Reesie, told me that she feels like I’m a very likeable person, last week. I nearly burst into tears.

Some of my closest “friends” at work are some of my bosses, or the hosts.

After work today, some of the servers hung out and drank and ate over by the bar. I was off around 7 and couldn’t leave until Pat finished work around midnight, so I joined them (inviting myself.) I love pretty much everyone I sat with, but I felt out of place. Maybe because I was the only one under 21 and they were all drinking, but I just don’t feel like anyone at work wants to deal with me outside of work hours. And that maybe that wouldn’t matter to me so much if I felt like I had anything outside of work besides my cat.

Crippling loneliness.

I almost never see my mom. I talk to my dad when he drives me to and from work, but it’s really just me telling him work stories and him talking about farming, politics, the economy, people he knows, everything I don’t care about.

I’m pretty much never going to date again. I work all the time. Even if I didn’t very much love someone who very much loves someone else, I don’t think anyone would ever want to deal with how little they’d be able to see me, or how tired I’d be when I hung out with them. Because really, I’m always exhausted, these days. So, I’m accepting now that I’ll be alone forever.

I miss Fallon. Guess that sucks for me.

I miss having friends online. I talk to Erin and that’s basically it. Sometimes Sierra and Nakiya.

And I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever feel like anyone misses me.

xxxv. 

loneliness is actually the worst thing in the world.

i have a lot of people that i have really good conversations with, these days. like, quality conversations about life and human beings and self-reflection and things in the world that i actually care about, and it’s really refreshing to be able to connect to people like that and to feel like people are listening to me when i speak, but like.

i love talking to josh, to deamond, to fallon, to becky, to sophie. to brian. it’s just genuinely nice to have the ability to really communicate with people.

but it still sucks. that like, i have a lot of people that like me, as friends. and even a lot of people who [think they] like me more than that. but i really just want one person who really legitimately knows me, and can honestly actually say that they love me. like, i think too many people like the idea of me more than they actually like me, which is why i never take people seriously when they say they like me.

and like, i’m not just going to date someone because i’m lonely, i’m not just going to accept someone because they like me. there has to be some kind of legitimate emotional connection there. if i can’t have a conversation with someone the way i can to sophie or brian, they’re out of the question. if they can’t appreciate and respect the things i care about, they’re out of the question. and i don’t want people to just ignore the parts of me that they don’t like.

i don’t like making pathetic posts like this but it’s been on my mind a lot lately. it just sucks to see people together or to talk to one person and get pangs of longing cause it just kind of brings everything else down. 

not to mention the last person that i became friends with who really seriously got to know me now hates me and said, “did you ever think that i hate you BECAUSE i know you?” and that really helps. and by the way peter thanks for making me out to be a huge bitch to kat before i ever met her, if you read this.

brian says i’m not a mean person. i was talking to someone about this today and i said that brian’s opinion is the only one that really matters anyway so i’ll trust his judgment. 

you know that quote about how you could probably love anyone if you really knew them? like, i know the way i teach myself to stop hating people who bother me is to wonder what they think about before they go to sleep at night. it helps me see them as multi-dimensional people who have their own lives and pasts and problems, and it helps me get over whatever bad feelings i have towards them.

like everyone has reasons for being the way they are and all and i think a lot of people write me off without caring to know why i am the way i am, or, if they claim to like me and i’m not interested, they just do a 180 and turn against me and don’t like me because i didn’t return their (obviously by this point) bullshit affections.

anyway, i’m lonely, and this is dumb.

xxxiv. 

it’s nice when your worries are lessened a little.

nothing’s 100% definite yet, but it seems like we have a good idea of where we’ll be in a few months. and most importantly, it seems like i won’t be homeless.

today i met kat, ashley’s friend who she’s been spending a lot of time with (and i was very pissed off for a while because ashley didn’t talk to me for like a month but seemed to have no problem hanging out with other people.)

kat is about twenty times better than i expected. not that i expected her to be bad, but i didn’t expect to enjoy so much about her. she and her roommate billy are living with a married couple who don’t help pay rent and they owe kat a lot of money, so she’s going to break their lease and she and billy and ashley and i could be prospective roommates. she and ashley went this morning to look for a house for rent which has enough rooms for everyone to have their own and leaves open the possibility of pat (ashley’s boyfriend) to move in with us later on, if we end up doing that.

and it’s affordable for all of us. my biggest worry has been thinking i wouldn’t be able to afford anything.

kat has thor and loki tattoos on her legs. she has a tardis tattoo. she has beatles lyrics on her wrist and she is a fellow cat lover, with a hairless cat whose name i won’t attempt to spell, and a black cat named toni stark. (also a giant derp of a german shepherd mix named nikola.) she said she was going to originally name her dog lilith, which is the name of my cat.

anyway, today was much better than expected and gives me something to cross my fingers and hope for. which is better than having nothing at all.

xxxiii. 

i haven’t written here in a while so there’s a lot to write now, i suppose.

honestly, so much has happened that it’s sort of hard to keep track.

first thing’s first, though: i moved back into my parents’ house. this sort of happened by mistake. i was having a hard time being at lydia and alaric’s and i wanted to get out for a few days so i went to stay the night with fallon, who, at the time, was staying with alison and dustin. i stayed there for about a week. i probably would’ve stayed longer, except that fallon and dustin were having conflicts so fallon left and went back to her mom’s house. i came here.

of course, i’ve stayed other places. we stayed at alex and brady’s place for a night, when ali’s carbon monoxide alarm went off. i stayed at mat mclaren’s twice. i stayed at someone else’s house another night, but that’s not something i particularly want to get into right now because it’ll just make me angry and sick to my stomach.

i unintentionally didn’t go home for a month. i sort of realized that i had left my cat to the care of lydia and alaric and i felt bad. i asked ray to take me to go get her and figured that, while i was there, i might as well grab some of my other things. i ended up packing most of my room while i was there and taking about half of it with me, along with lilith.

being here again isn’t bad, actually. i have minimal chores, i maintain my own space, the most i do to help around the house is help cook dinner, do my own laundry, take the trash to the curb once a week, and help maintain the ducks and chickens. nowhere near the amount i was doing before.

i re-arranged my room and it feels bigger than it ever has. there’s open space. my mom bought me new blankets and pillow cases. i have actual wall space. for the first time, i enjoy my room being my room. my cat is behaving better than she did when we lived here before. she only really gets aggravating when she’s hungry. being here again means i’m closer to my friends, in walking distance to becky’s work, and available to be picked up by her in the morning to go with her to school, which is nice.

now that i’m technically employed, my dad isn’t giving me a hard time about anything. not about me leaving whenever i want, not about my sleep habits, not about my tattoos (even the new ones he hadn’t seen.) and he even complimented me after i cut off all my hair.

too bad my parents are moving within the next five months or so and i’m going to be homeless with nowhere to go. i mean, that’s cool. and it’s not like i’d be able to afford an apartment on my own or like my friends are reliable enough to move out with me. it’s times like this i really just want to say “fuck it” and skip town, go to california and just wing it until casa de moonbros can be a thing.

i went to new york with erin, grace, jenn, and cassie. i stayed the night with ginny. i met charlene kaye and mia, and it was amazing. i still got back in time the next morning to go to my paperwork for my new job. i met some of the people i’ll be working with and i really enjoy my bosses. sure, going to school with becky in the mornings is making me miss being a student like crazy and regret all of my bad habits when i was one, but i think working will be really good for me.

my nephew evan was born. i haven’t met him yet, but i hope i will soon. oh, and i learned not to engage my uncle eric in political conversations on facebook because he’s a goddamn idiot.

honestly the biggest thing i’m dealing with right now is loneliness. the first day of school was like hell for me, i swear to god. among the first people i encountered that day were: josh, my most recent ex. gage, my ex before josh, the first person i dated post-gracie. tom, who i spend too much time being pathetic over because he’s one of the only people who can make me smile just by existing, and brian. who, is brian, and makes my heart hurt in a lot of ways.

so it was like a billion punches to the face and by the end of the first hour, i was about ready to throw myself off a bridge.

and then there’s james and that’s another can of worms that isn’t even worth opening. (summary: his girlfriend broke up with him for things that he said to me in texts, he flirted with me for a while, then he begged for her back. that’s kind of how that happens. and incidentally, anyone else i have held any sort of interest in, long-term, are either already in relationships or not interested in one.)

still, being alone gives me time to be productive. to re-do my room. to finish reading the lovely bones. to watch every episode of how i met your mother and white collar before the new seasons start up.

i started keeping a +/- book like i did in senior year. i’m going to make a post about that tomorrow. so honestly, there’s a bunch of good things and a bunch of bad ones. bad ones involving the fact that ALL of my friends are really unhappy right now and i don’t know what to do about it.

good that i have a candle lit in the dark tunnel that has been my life this year. bad that it’s burning so quickly and i’m occasionally burnt by dripping wax.

but it’s a lot better than the burnt and broken matches i’ve been using in the past months to try to ignite something good in my life again. it’s a little more lasting and a little brighter.